[fic] an act of bravery ; hp, ginny/luna

[delacourtings]

an act of bravery. harry potter. ginny/luna. pg. 1,127. ao3.

“are you sure about this?” luna asks, placing her hands on ginny’s shoulders. “you don’t have to do this. not for me.”

“i’m not,” ginny replies. “i’m doing it for me.”

for @hpfemslash-minifest.tumblr.com's femslash february prompt #1: are you sure?

 

“Are you sure about this?” Luna asks, placing her hands on Ginny’s shoulders. “You don’t have to do this. Not for me.” 

 

“I’m not,” Ginny replies. “I’m doing it for me.” She says it with a firm nod like she’s convincing herself. 

 

She has faced Death Eaters and basilisks. She has literally had Voldemort inside her mind. Yet this feels insurmountable. This is what she has been trying to work up the courage to do for weeks, months, years. She just has to open the door and go outside. She just has to open the door, go outside, and not immediately pull her hand out of Luna’s grasp once someone spots them. She can do this. She can.  

 

“I can’t do it,” Ginny says, turning around. Her heart feels like it’s beating three times too fast. 

 

“It’s alright,” Luna says, taking Ginny’s hands and squeezing them. “You don’t have to.” 

 

“I know, I know I don’t. I want to. I do. It’s just…” she trails off. Luna grimaces sympathetically. “It’s hard.”  

 

“Yeah,” Ginny lets out a humorless huff of a laugh. “It’s really fucking hard.” 

 

She never asked for this. She didn’t ask for the entire Wizarding World to know her name. She didn’t ask to have her private life speculated about on the front page of the Prophet. 

 

People who don’t know her have so many opinions about her. About her career, about her appearance, about every single thing about her. 

 

It’s only going to get worse if she goes through with this. 

 

She knows not everyone will react in the way that she’s dreading. She’s seen the support Harry had received when he’d come out. She knows he still gets letters from people thanking him. But she’s also been there when some hateful person inside the Ministry leaked his address and he received Howler after Howler with terribly cruel people calling him terribly cruel things. She doesn’t know if she can handle that. She already feels like Atlas, the weight of the Wizarding world on her shoulders. So many people are watching her all the time. She just wants to live in blissful anonymity. But Harry Potter’s Ex-Girlfriend can’t do that. Ron Weasley’s Little Sister can’t do that. (She’s never Holyhead Harpies’ Star Player or anything else to do with her own accomplishments, never anything that would give her autonomy over herself. She’s always, always someone in relation to the men in her life. She’s so tired of it. She’s so tired of everything.) 

 

“You’re not worried about your family, are you?” Luna asks, soothingly rubbing her hands up and down Ginny’s arms.

 

“No,” Ginny replies. And it’s true, she isn’t worried about her family. She might have been, before. Back when she was so young she didn’t even know what to call this feeling she had inside her. Back when she was even more terrified than she is now.  

 

But they accepted Harry when he said he liked both men and women and they accepted Charlie when he said he couldn’t see himself ever liking anyone at all. And she knows it’s different because she’s a girl. (Because everything always has to be different just because she’s a girl.) And there’s a slight chance her mother won’t be as accepting as Ginny’s expecting but if she can accept that Charlie has no desire to ever give her grandchildren, surely she can accept Ginny. 
 

But what about her teammates? The people that she spends most hours of most days with? Almost her entire social circle? How many of them are going to start treating her differently? How many “accidental” shoves, or worse, is she have to endure at practice? How many disgusted glances is she going to get in the locker room? And that isn’t even the worst that could happen. It could be so much worse. But she refuses to let her mind go to that place. 
 

“It’s alright, love,” Luna whispers into her ear. “Breathe.” 

 

Ginny hadn’t even noticed her breathing had become shallow. She hasn’t had an attack in ages. Not since last year, when she had that nightmare about—-. She forces herself not to think about that and instead focus on her breathing exercises. One. Two. Luna counts with her. “Three. Four. Five. Good.”

 

“Let’s go sit down. C’mon,” Luna tries to lead her to the sofa but Ginny stays where she is, a few feet away from the front door. 

 

“No. If it sit down, I won’t get back up and then I won’t do it.” 
 

Luna smiles gently. “You don’t---”
 

Ginny cuts her off, equally as gentle “I know. And thank you for not pressuring me. And for staying with me for all these years even though I wasn’t ready.” 
 

“Of course,” Luna says like it was the simplest thing in the world for her to remain with Ginny, even though Ginny has been keeping her a secret for so long. (Luna doesn’t see it like that but Ginny does.) And who knows, maybe it was as simple as the fact that Luna loved her and knew that Ginny loved her in return, even if she didn’t show it to the rest of the world. 

 

“I really do want to do this,” she says, more to herself than to Luna. And she does . “I want to stop feeling like I’m harboring this huge, dark secret. I want to stop feeling like I’m lying to everyone all the time. I want to be able to kiss you in public. I want to be able to introduce you as my girlfriend. I do want to do this. It just might take me a minute.” 
 

“Take as long as you need,” says Luna. “I’ll be right here.” 
 

It takes forty-three minutes for Ginny’s heart to stop feeling like it’s going to burst out of her chest. It takes two more hours before she feels like she can go outside. It takes ten blocks before she feels brave enough to reach for Luna’s hand. It takes seven people walking past them before she stops instinctually dropping it as soon as she sees anyone. But she gets there. And eventually, she’ll get to a place where she can do more than just hold Luna’s hand. She’ll get to a place where she can kiss Luna and not worry about who’s watching her. She’ll get to a place where she’ll wear her sexuality on her sleeve, or her bag, or anywhere else pride pins and stickers can go. She’ll get to a place where she finally feels comfortable speaking up about gay rights, not as an ally, like before, but as a member of the community, as herself. It might take a while but she’ll get there. 

 

For now, just holding Luna’s hand is enough.